Still Waiting...

Well what can I say nothing has changed unfortunately. I'm still praying for a miracle. As I approach my 42nd birthday I wonder if what will happen if anything will happen. For some reason there have been a lot of births and a lot of pregnancy annoucements. Or is it just that I seem to notice them more when I'm not looking for them. Is 42 to old to be dreaming of a baby. How old is too old? Do dreams have an age limit?

I was on the Adopt Ontario web site this afternoon. I have access at looking at children profiles. Those profiles break my heart so many beautiful smiles that make me wonder how could someone not love this child. I think its time to talk to hubs and see where our journey is going.

See you later who knows when my next vent will be. Stay tuned!!!

Donor Egg Appointment

So yesterday was our appointment with Create Fertility in Toronto. My appointment was for 2pm and I arrived 20 minutes early. I had to have a full bladder ultrasound, so my bladder was full i'm sure a lot of you know that feeling. Well they took me at almost 3pm for the ultrasound. So I was already a little frustrated. Then we waited for the doctor. So she called us into her office and then shes ask why i'm there. Hello ding, ding. So I asked her do you not have a copy of my file from Dr. H's office. Oh no nothing was sent over. Don't you think that if you are seeing a patient you would want to know their history. So I proceeded to tell her my story. An exclusive cycle you looking at $9,000 in clinic fees. That does not incude the donor egg fees($3000-$5000). I told her about Argentina she wasn't to thrilled with that idea. She also wasn't thrilled with the shared cycle idea. Yea i know i won't get 20 eggs from Argentina or a shared cycle but my goal here is to have one child. Not 20 like the duggars or eight like octomom. They won't transfer more than two anyway. So she ordered a whole bunch of boodwork which should have been in my file and more blood test for my husband. A sonohistro exam which i've already done. The the receptionist which wasn't the regular receptionist procedes to take me thru a cycle monitoring excerise hello i'm not cycling. oh the best part is the the blood technician couldn't find my veins but managed to some squeeze 20 tubes of blood out of my arms. Last night i was so emotional that i did a lot of crying but then i thought i'm just making myself sick so then crying turned to anger. Anger at God,and the doctors. Fertility doctors who charge us vulnerable women fees liek crazy because they know we will do anything to have a baby. Maybe the governement would cover it if it wasn't so expensive. Even the donor egg agencies where are they getting these fees from. So I think Argentina is the plan as to when its hard to say. I'm drained in all senses and jsut need to take things as they come.

New Year, New Ideas, New beginnings, New rants!

Hello well its been a while again. We made it thru the holidays and the new year althou it was very emotional we made it thru. As much as I had tried to take a break from the infertility world I haven't suceeded. I have my days where i just want to give up and then there are the days were I keep saying we have to try one last time.

I have a friend who managed to get pregnant thru ivf, she made me mad thou, she complained thruout her pregnancy that she was worried about losing the baby, but she didn't. I just wanted to yell at her stop complaining and maybe enjoy this pregnancy at least your pregnant here i am still waiting. Now all she does is complain about her husband and how he doesn't help and she tried. "Hey i'm still trying here stop complaining."

And then there are the people who take a break and get pregnant a lot of the blogs I have read that has happened. Oh the best one is one of my co-workers her SIL had two ivf babies and just got pregnant on her own.

Another co-worker her daughter leaves home to live on her own but comes back when she can't pay the rent, shes done this at least two times has had a number of different boyfriends but guess what she's pregnant and shes having twins.

Life is so unfair at least to me.

So we have an appointment to go to the Create clinic on Thursday. Who knows what will become of this time will tell.

Its been a while

Hello

I know its been a while but life has been the same. We decide to go to Argentina next year for a donor egg cycle. So I have been saving all my american change. Its hard to find a while I use to find a lot change these days all i have found are pennies and a nickle here and there. So now that i won't be cycling there won't be much to write about. But i'll try to keep blogging I know that I like reading other peoples blogs when they update.

I have found that I have become a natural remedy fiend. I ordered Fertiliaid and preseed. I read that parsley tea is good to induce aunt flow. I have tried Vitex, inositol, choline, maca, red raspberry tea, dong quai. I have become so obsessed with trying everything. I don't know if this is good or bad of course nothing has worked yet, althou i don't put to much faith in these things. I feel like they keep me holding on to the little hope I have let and not trying anything would seem to me like giving up. Aunt flow has not showed up since May. It's so frustrating that she doesn't show up on her own. This is so frustrating I just want to feel like a woman. I am going to try the parsley tea, i'll post after I try it.

Does anyone have any remedy that they heard of that might help?

Happy Birthday Gizmo!!!!

I meant to post this last week but didn't get a chance. My baby turned 3 on June 11. Growing up I never had a pet except for the odd fish that would die after a month. I'm so glad that we decided to get Gizmo, seeing how happy he is when I get home from work is the best feeling. I've always said that he makes everything a little bit better. I hope that one day he will have a kid chasing after him and driving him crazy.

NGU

As I try to pass the days during this break, I keep repeating in my head these three words "never give up". It hasn't been easy everywhere I turn I see babies. We were at a restaurant on Saturday and three women walked in with their car seats, diaper bags and strollers. I thought to myself I can't get away.

In the Toronto Star today I read that Celine Dion is pregant with twins, I am so happy for her I am a big fan of hers. When I read the story there was a line that struck a cord with me

I never gave up. But I can tell you it was physically and emotionally exhausting,” Dion recently told Le Journal de Montreal.

Followup with RE

We had our followup appointment with Dr. H yesterday. It went just as i had expected. He mentioned how my last cycle was good and he's upset that it didnt happen for us.
Our options are:

1) Try another cycle with him, it would be a low stim cycle. But we would only get maybe one egg, two if we were really lucky. Our chances are 5% to 10%.

2) Adption were still weighing our options with this.

3) Donor Eggs he recommends this option as our best chance we have a 50% chance with this. He gave me information on donor eggs in the states and here. He recommends Argentina as well, he is sending my information to the clinic there for them to review.

4) Try to accept that it might never happen for us. If it does ever happen naturally for us even Dr. H said it would be a mircle.

We already knew these would be our options and had decide to take a break for now. For how long its hard to say. I need to stop worrying about medications and needles. My husband lost his job two months ago so he needs to find something else so we can start saving some money. Depending on what the Argentina clinic says I would love to try this option.

I am not willing to accept option 4, somehow, some way I will be a mom. As a friend says There will always be a next step...

I AM NOT GIVING UP.

Today is my birthday. I turn 40, never would I have guessed this is were i would be at this point in my life. Nothing has gone as planned. Never have I shed so many tears.